[Oof. It's difficult for her to meet his gaze, but she does so, fleetingly.]
Not displeased, [she assures him in her clipped way. There's so much going on, between the thing with Nate pre-mission and the... thing with Nate... during the mission, and the memory of Anders fraught with grief and shouting at her isn't going to go away easily.]
..just a bit out of sorts. [Understatement of the year. It's no secret she's been avoiding everyone since her fight with Nathaniel, and that alone would be explanation enough for her absence.]
[Teren shakes her head, barely concealing an eyeroll-- not that she can blame him for thinking he's unwelcome, but she can be so damn inept at expressing herself that sometimes she gets preemptively irritated when people take her at face value. After all, though she is nothing if not self-aware, Teren's fear manifests most often as anger, or at the very least excessive surliness.]
It's fine.
[She doesn't even try to smile.] It was bad. Nothing I want to talk about.
[Which means now he doesn't know what to talk about if she doesn't want to discuss that.]
I'm actually... not sure what to talk about then. I'd come here for that, really, and to see how you were. But I'm quite aware of how not forthcoming you're going to be when it comes to how you are.
[She watches him levelly, but there's an increased furtiveness about her, an obvious underlying insecurity. Teren is generally good at pretending she isn't wrong when she is, but when she acknowledges that she is, she has no idea what to do. So withdrawal seems the obvious choice, remove herself from the equation entirely until everyone involved either forgets about the problem or about her. On some level she's aware there are those who actually solve their problems by talking about them, but that sounds terrifying and emotional and completely out of control, not the way she operates at all.]
I'm fine, [she says again, with a touch of anxiety.] As I ever am. [Besides, details only give people ammunition. Show someone you care about them and they can lure you halfway across the continent to put a knife in your back. She looks down, showing a glimmer of contrition, perhaps for the first time since Anders has known her.]
[For the first time since he's known her, Anders is actually fairly sure she's not telling the truth. There's something else going on.]
I think you're not fine, [he says after a pause.]
I think there are things bothering you and you're going to cage them up and sit on them, and that's not going to make it better.
[He doesn't say again, because a) that would be rude and b) he's basically forgiven her even if he wishes he could hear what all really happened between her and her backstabby bunch.]
I'm here, Teren, and I can listen. And you're looking at me funny.
[Teren takes a breath as if to retort, then sighs it out, with a blink that's a bit too long. She feels old, and no doubt looks it, moreso than ever.]
Some things don't get better, Anders. [She finally lifts her eyes to regard him, dulling her own expression as though it will help quell the roiling nervousness in her chest. It's been a while since her fight with Nate, and she's even seen Anders since then, but somehow, between that and the mission and the arrival of Oghren, she feels more out of place than ever.]
I-... [She begins, and nearly can't. She folds her hands over her mouth.] I nearly left. For good. [Her eyes flash up to meet his, knowing what she'll see there, but she continues stubbornly.] But instead, I'm here. And what's to become of me now, I have no idea. [In truth, the mission is most of the reason she did come back. The alternative was to disappear, as she had in that awful timeline, and potentially reappear just in time to watch everyone suffer and die. Or, worse, to know in five years that they'll be suffering and dying far from her presence, where she can't even begin to help them.]
[What she sees in his eyes is sadness. He's heard, now, about the fight, and while he can't blame Nate for his anger, he's... rather not sure that was the right way to do anything. After a few moments, Anders holds out a hand in offering.]
But some things do. And I'm glad you've stayed, Teren. There's, I've heard it was bad, the future. Vague things, that we were losing, had probably lost. I don't know if we can turn it around, but we have to try, and it's easier with friends.
[He takes a breath.]
I know I was angry with you. I still care, though.
[And Maker, he can hardly judge someone for running away. He'd been infamous for it for so long.]
[Teren regards his hand for a moment before tentatively taking it, not entirely certain of what his angle is. She just spent what felt like months being shouted at and talked down to by people who have no memory of doing so-- and never will, if she has anything to say about it-- but needless to say, it's made her a little jumpy.
She squeezes Anders' hand slightly and then withdraws her own, tucking it under her arm as she seems to fold herself over in a slightly more hunched position.]
You weren't alone in that, [she admits, a bit loftily, as though she was barely involved.]
No, [he says dryly,] but some would like me to learn that I can only be responsible for myself and should stop trying to take on everything.
[She'd taken his hand. That had been nice.]
The rest who are angry, or who were, will decide if it's worth holding on to or not. I've decided it isn't. It's not... It's not like I've always been honest. And it's really not like you've always been this jumpy. I'm not here to bite, Teren. Or cast at you suddenly.
[She doesn't need to be told that, but she lets him anyway. For the briefest of moments, Teren feels like she's being unreasonable. But old habits die hard, and this habit is about forty years old.]
That girl, [she says pensively,] Raelle. I've never seen her before. But I know her.
[He'd come here wanting to hear about the future, but apparently the past was on her mind. Anders can't say he's exactly disappointed as he'd been curious about both.]
[The future will take time, and courage, to divulge. Their ground is still too shaky: if she doesn't tell Anders the whole of what happened, he'll likely know. And she's not ready for that yet, not ready for the tragedy of it. In the meantime, perhaps she can give him something else he's been wanting.]
Some little shithole village, [she continues, looking down,] where she lives a life of filth and poverty. No doubt hated for her abnormality, looking for any way out. Any means to get back at those who made things so difficult. [Raelle is, of course, an apostate, but Teren seems to be referring to something beyond that. Perhaps even something unrelated.]
[She knows he knows. But he's gone a bit askew of it, and she shakes her head with a mirthless smirk.]
One can hope it won't end in disaster. That she got out before it could. [Lowering her head slightly, she shakes it again.] What you saw, that wasn't disaster. That was a lesson that she hopefully learned.
[...wait, she's legitimately still talking about the girl. He'd thought Raelle was being used as a metaphor to cover, but maybe she's actually concerned about her.]
No one wants to be in those sorts of circumstances, and she didn't seem a fool. Likely she learned.
[If not? The world is cruel. He can't worry about someone who delivered them into a trap and tried to get someone he cared about killed.]
And likely we'll not see her again. Unless you heard something about her on your... trip.
[That's how she gets you!! Teren is doing both. If she weren't impossible to keep a good mental grip on, she'd be dead by now. ..or something.]
In some ways, it was lucky that happened for her. That she might see it when she did. And know what they were doing before they could truly sink their talons in.
[She hunches her shoulders in what might almost be a flinch, then shakes her head with a frown. They weren't talons until recently, when she saw them for what they were. Literally talons, in a way, digging into her back.]
...I never wanted you to see me like that, [she admits, somewhat abruptly, averting her gaze. There's a weakness to it that wasn't there before, a pain she's still processing and can't even begin to express.]
[He looks down when she looks away, giving her a sort of facade of privacy even though he's right here.]
It really was. Few get the chance to evaluate their situation at a time when they can change their path. Most only get that when things have become inevitable.
[Like when he joined with Justice, because the option there was joining or death. Like Kirkwall, when it had all been a corner he couldn't see his way out of.]
I'm a healer, Teren. I'm very used to seeing people at their most vulnerable, when they're balanced between life and death and terrified. What I saw was nothing new, and nothing relationship-ending. I'm still your friend, if you'll still have me.
[She shakes her head. She knows, but in an ideal world no one, even healers, would ever have to see her so vulnerable. ...especially not healers, in her experience.]
Haven't had the best time with healers, actually, [she confesses, glancing toward Anders with a look that's almost sheepish.] ...nor they with me, I suppose.
[Now he sounds wryly amused as he looks at her again.]
You know me, and you know I'm not going to harm you. I've not had the best time with plenty of people, but for the most part giving chances seems to be better than not.
[Despite his amusement, Teren doesn't seem to share it, and in fact seems somewhat more guarded. It's not for no reason that her experience has been bad.]
It's nothing personal, [she assures him quietly,] but I don't believe that's possible. [A change, that is. Not unless something changes in her, which is quite unlikely.]
[The amusement fades, and Anders straightens a little.]
You don't think you can trust me.
[It's a little rich, considering what went on not too long ago, but she's not the first person to decide that. It only hurts because he'd thought they'd been getting somewhere in all of this.]
Is this something you've felt all along? Or is it something due to your time in the future?
[Somehow, this isn't the reaction she expected. Teren isn't sure what she expected.]
Anders, I-- [it's rare that Teren is stunned into silence, but she has to take a moment to collect her thoughts, to find a way to continue the conversation without upsetting him further. It's not one of her fortes, and she's abruptly reminded of their recent encounter. The one he doesn't remember.]
It has nothing to do with you, [she says instead, for once sounding more flustered than accusatory.]
[Teren furrows her brow back at him, giving an agitated little shake of her head. With the clarification, her confusion is turning to the usual impatience.]
Anders, you're not listening. [She rubs her brow.] I am telling you I've been mistreated by healers and have a natural aversion to them as a profession. That's not bloody personal.
[She's beginning to think better of even getting this deeply into it, and it's manifesting in her movements becoming more clipped, more irritable.]
There are self-admitted assassins living right next door to us and we live with them in perfect harmony, is it so difficult to believe a profession doesn't make a person?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-03-30 01:01 am (UTC)It's difficult for her to meet his gaze, but she does so, fleetingly.]
Not displeased, [she assures him in her clipped way. There's so much going on, between the thing with Nate pre-mission and the... thing with Nate... during the mission, and the memory of Anders fraught with grief and shouting at her isn't going to go away easily.]
..just a bit out of sorts. [Understatement of the year. It's no secret she's been avoiding everyone since her fight with Nathaniel, and that alone would be explanation enough for her absence.]
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Date: 2017-03-30 01:10 am (UTC)If you want me to go, I can.
[Maybe it's another mage thing.]
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Date: 2017-03-30 01:18 am (UTC)After all, though she is nothing if not self-aware, Teren's fear manifests most often as anger, or at the very least excessive surliness.]
It's fine.
[She doesn't even try to smile.] It was bad. Nothing I want to talk about.
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Date: 2017-03-30 01:48 am (UTC)[Which means now he doesn't know what to talk about if she doesn't want to discuss that.]
I'm actually... not sure what to talk about then. I'd come here for that, really, and to see how you were. But I'm quite aware of how not forthcoming you're going to be when it comes to how you are.
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Date: 2017-03-30 01:59 am (UTC)On some level she's aware there are those who actually solve their problems by talking about them, but that sounds terrifying and emotional and completely out of control, not the way she operates at all.]
I'm fine, [she says again, with a touch of anxiety.] As I ever am. [Besides, details only give people ammunition. Show someone you care about them and they can lure you halfway across the continent to put a knife in your back.
She looks down, showing a glimmer of contrition, perhaps for the first time since Anders has known her.]
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Date: 2017-03-30 02:12 am (UTC)I think you're not fine, [he says after a pause.]
I think there are things bothering you and you're going to cage them up and sit on them, and that's not going to make it better.
[He doesn't say again, because a) that would be rude and b) he's basically forgiven her even if he wishes he could hear what all really happened between her and her backstabby bunch.]
I'm here, Teren, and I can listen. And you're looking at me funny.
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Date: 2017-03-30 02:39 am (UTC)Some things don't get better, Anders. [She finally lifts her eyes to regard him, dulling her own expression as though it will help quell the roiling nervousness in her chest. It's been a while since her fight with Nate, and she's even seen Anders since then, but somehow, between that and the mission and the arrival of Oghren, she feels more out of place than ever.]
I-... [She begins, and nearly can't. She folds her hands over her mouth.] I nearly left. For good. [Her eyes flash up to meet his, knowing what she'll see there, but she continues stubbornly.] But instead, I'm here. And what's to become of me now, I have no idea. [In truth, the mission is most of the reason she did come back. The alternative was to disappear, as she had in that awful timeline, and potentially reappear just in time to watch everyone suffer and die. Or, worse, to know in five years that they'll be suffering and dying far from her presence, where she can't even begin to help them.]
no subject
Date: 2017-03-30 02:48 am (UTC)But some things do. And I'm glad you've stayed, Teren. There's, I've heard it was bad, the future. Vague things, that we were losing, had probably lost. I don't know if we can turn it around, but we have to try, and it's easier with friends.
[He takes a breath.]
I know I was angry with you. I still care, though.
[And Maker, he can hardly judge someone for running away. He'd been infamous for it for so long.]
We'll see what becomes of all of us.
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Date: 2017-03-30 07:40 am (UTC)She squeezes Anders' hand slightly and then withdraws her own, tucking it under her arm as she seems to fold herself over in a slightly more hunched position.]
You weren't alone in that, [she admits, a bit loftily, as though she was barely involved.]
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Date: 2017-03-30 07:55 am (UTC)[She'd taken his hand. That had been nice.]
The rest who are angry, or who were, will decide if it's worth holding on to or not. I've decided it isn't. It's not... It's not like I've always been honest. And it's really not like you've always been this jumpy. I'm not here to bite, Teren. Or cast at you suddenly.
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Date: 2017-03-30 07:18 pm (UTC)That girl, [she says pensively,] Raelle. I've never seen her before. But I know her.
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Date: 2017-03-30 09:43 pm (UTC)[He'd come here wanting to hear about the future, but apparently the past was on her mind. Anders can't say he's exactly disappointed as he'd been curious about both.]
What from?
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Date: 2017-03-30 11:18 pm (UTC)Some little shithole village, [she continues, looking down,] where she lives a life of filth and poverty. No doubt hated for her abnormality, looking for any way out. Any means to get back at those who made things so difficult. [Raelle is, of course, an apostate, but Teren seems to be referring to something beyond that. Perhaps even something unrelated.]
no subject
Date: 2017-04-01 12:23 am (UTC)And she chose a path that ended in disaster. Like so many paths do, when someone feels like they must take on the world by themselves.
[He's not just talking about Raelle either. Or just Teren.]
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Date: 2017-04-01 02:17 am (UTC)One can hope it won't end in disaster. That she got out before it could. [Lowering her head slightly, she shakes it again.] What you saw, that wasn't disaster. That was a lesson that she hopefully learned.
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Date: 2017-04-03 01:52 am (UTC)No one wants to be in those sorts of circumstances, and she didn't seem a fool. Likely she learned.
[If not? The world is cruel. He can't worry about someone who delivered them into a trap and tried to get someone he cared about killed.]
And likely we'll not see her again. Unless you heard something about her on your... trip.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-06 03:06 am (UTC)In some ways, it was lucky that happened for her. That she might see it when she did. And know what they were doing before they could truly sink their talons in.
[She hunches her shoulders in what might almost be a flinch, then shakes her head with a frown. They weren't talons until recently, when she saw them for what they were. Literally talons, in a way, digging into her back.]
...I never wanted you to see me like that, [she admits, somewhat abruptly, averting her gaze. There's a weakness to it that wasn't there before, a pain she's still processing and can't even begin to express.]
no subject
Date: 2017-04-06 06:40 am (UTC)It really was. Few get the chance to evaluate their situation at a time when they can change their path. Most only get that when things have become inevitable.
[Like when he joined with Justice, because the option there was joining or death. Like Kirkwall, when it had all been a corner he couldn't see his way out of.]
I'm a healer, Teren. I'm very used to seeing people at their most vulnerable, when they're balanced between life and death and terrified. What I saw was nothing new, and nothing relationship-ending. I'm still your friend, if you'll still have me.
no subject
Date: 2017-04-06 10:47 pm (UTC)...especially not healers, in her experience.]
Haven't had the best time with healers, actually, [she confesses, glancing toward Anders with a look that's almost sheepish.] ...nor they with me, I suppose.
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Date: 2017-04-08 01:32 am (UTC)[Now he sounds wryly amused as he looks at her again.]
You know me, and you know I'm not going to harm you. I've not had the best time with plenty of people, but for the most part giving chances seems to be better than not.
[Templars are the exception, really.]
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Date: 2017-04-08 02:19 am (UTC)It's nothing personal, [she assures him quietly,] but I don't believe that's possible. [A change, that is. Not unless something changes in her, which is quite unlikely.]
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Date: 2017-04-08 02:38 am (UTC)You don't think you can trust me.
[It's a little rich, considering what went on not too long ago, but she's not the first person to decide that. It only hurts because he'd thought they'd been getting somewhere in all of this.]
Is this something you've felt all along? Or is it something due to your time in the future?
[Did he do something new and disastrous?]
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Date: 2017-04-08 03:37 am (UTC)Anders, I-- [it's rare that Teren is stunned into silence, but she has to take a moment to collect her thoughts, to find a way to continue the conversation without upsetting him further. It's not one of her fortes, and she's abruptly reminded of their recent encounter. The one he doesn't remember.]
It has nothing to do with you, [she says instead, for once sounding more flustered than accusatory.]
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Date: 2017-04-08 04:02 am (UTC)[Which is something he runs into not infrequently, but especially around Teren.]
You can't take a chance on me, but it's not personal?
no subject
Date: 2017-04-08 04:09 am (UTC)Anders, you're not listening. [She rubs her brow.] I am telling you I've been mistreated by healers and have a natural aversion to them as a profession. That's not bloody personal.
[She's beginning to think better of even getting this deeply into it, and it's manifesting in her movements becoming more clipped, more irritable.]
There are self-admitted assassins living right next door to us and we live with them in perfect harmony, is it so difficult to believe a profession doesn't make a person?
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